I’ve had so many crits now on the opening pages of Marks of Repentance that I’m more confused than enlightened! There are so many things that the first few paragraphs must do: catch the attention of the reader, provide a sense of setting and a sense of the character AND a sense of the conflict to be explored. But please don’t data-dump it. That’s the biggest no-no of all.
So what’s a gal to do?
Read, of course. Pick up books published relatively recently and concentrate on the first couple of pages. Is there a catchy hook? Can I see the setting? Can I see the character? Can I feel the tension? And was this all accomplished without data dumping? I thought you might like to explore with me. Today’s opener is from The Light of Eidon by Karen Hancock, Bethany House, 2003:
“Why do we serve the Flames?”
“To ward the realm from Shadow.”
“Why must we guard our purity?”
“To keep the Flames strong and bright.”
They sat cross-legged on the barge cabin’s single, narrow bunk, facing each other–Novice and discipler–their voices alternating in a steady rhythm of question and answer that had gone unbroken for nearly an hour. Since the noon prayer service they had been reviewing the six codices of the First Guardian Station, codices Eldrin must know tomorrow for the final test of his novitiate. He had long since learned them so well he could answer without hesitation, but he didn’t mind the repetition. Right now it was just the sort of superficial mental occupation he needed to keep his thoughts of…other things.
“What is the source of the Shadow?” asked his discipler, one bony, ink-stained finger pressed to the page of the open catechism in his lap.
“The arrogance of Moroq conceived it,” Eldrin replied. “The passions of the flesh sustain it.”
“Who is Moroq?”
“The dark son of Eidon and Lord Ruler of the rhu’ema. The Adversary. No man can stand against him, save One.”
“And that One is?”
“Eidon, Lord of Light, Creator of All, Defender of Man. Soon may he come, and swift be his judgment.”
The rhythm ended, and the silence that filled the void after it made Eldrin’s ears ring. He noticed the heat again, the sweat trickling down his chest beneath his wool tunic, the stifling mantle of his long, unbound hair weighing on his back. A fitful breeze danced through the high, open portal of the bulkhead, carrying the river’s dank odor and a disharmonious chorus of voices from the crowds on its bank. Thunder rumbled out of the distance.
Anxiety, held at bay by the long recitation, came oozing back. Soon they would be docking, disembarking, and marching up to the temple to begin the long ritual that would end with his initiation as a Guardian of the Holy Flames. Or not, if things went badly.
This takes up less than a page of text. Does it work for you? What sense do you get out of this opening? What are you expecting out of the story? Can you see Eldrin, see where he is? Does anything feel data-dumped?
Hugs. Openings are tough and not everyone will agree on what’s the best, Val. You’ve heard me complain about this myself. Good luck and if you need to vent you know where to find me.
I’ve read it twice and don’t see any data dumps. In fact, I want to know how Eldrin’s ceremony goes!
Valerie Comer says
Hey EJ, it’s a 4-book series, the fourth coming out in a couple weeks (and will be reviewed here). Let’s just say that Eldrin’s ceremony does not go as expected and sends his life in a new direction!